Without getting into too personal things, I have been losing a lot lately. In the last ~4 years I don’t think I could remember a happy moment.
I think 2025 was when I cried the most. Almost everyday I’d say. In the shower, in my room, at night, midday, anywhere really. Multiple times when I’m out on the road I’ve cried. Once in a public library.
I don’t know, actually on the surface I wasn’t doing that badly. I had gotten into a good recruiting program. I did ok money wise (inline with other graduates), thanks mainly to sideprojects and my friend giving me some contract work, but I feel like shit constantly.
It has been mentally exhausting. So fucking lonely. Can not connect or click with anyone at all. So many people have let me down this year. So many promises unkept, I don’t trust anyone anymore.
Too many things. I just want to keep it to myself. I don’t have the energy to share it with the world.
But I will share how I’m just going to start winning.
I need to find my calling. I haven’t had a lot of fun building gpt wrappers and building this company. It feels like a shit grind. Every day I check the revenue chart compulsively wishing for it to go up. I have so much anxiety. Maybe it’s the people I’m doing it with. I still like programming, building tools. The craftsmanship, the value it brings to the world, I still like that stuff, but I don’t know. If it’s some 10th derivation of something that already exists and it’s 10% more delightful, I don’t think it's a worthy investment of my energy. It’s got to be something civilizationally critical. Otherwise what’s the point? There is no point working on the 10th iteration of the CRM or the 20th AI calorie tracking app.
I refuse to do it only for the money. It feels wrong, doesn’t feel right. It’s not good for the world either or for myself. I get mentally exhausted, question reality, question my role in the world, question whether I really contribute and make it better rather than just playing zero sum games, status games, a meaningless existence.
There isn’t much time either. I have to get started, I have to find my calling. I can’t float around aimlessly like this anymore. I have to find my calling and win.
I will take practical steps to do. In the immediate future, this means selling everything to raise as much money as possible. All my possessions, SaaS, etc. I need to surround myself with the people who want to achieve these lofty goals. I need to become better also. I’d say right now my skill set is more product and a bit of engineering. Not much technology building. I need to change that. I have to get back to reading books. Doing hard math problems etc.
I can’t sit and procrastinate, lose and feel bad for myself anymore. It’s time to start winning and the time is now.